There are a lot of things that people say when certain subjects come up that everyone is supposed to agree with automatically, as though they were saying, "Sugar is sweet" or "the sky is usually blue". The trouble is lots of generally accepted statements just aren't true. A while back I wrote an article on parenting that falls into this category. Now I think it is time to discuss marriage. The statement is, "A good marriage is a lot of work" which you hear all the time but is nonsense.
Well. I have been married to the same man for forty years. You can't really see into someone else's marriage but I still feel I can speak to the hordes of folks out there who cling to false pronouncements while bored, stressed, unhappy, or even divorced.
A good marrige is not "work". And if you think it is supposed to be, you might have a self- fulfilling prophecy on your hands. You "worked" really hard, why did your marriage fail? Here it is: marriage is meant to be a partnership in which the work of life is shared. It is meant ease burdens, to give rest and comfort when you are weary, and sunshine to the hum-drum of ordinary days. Life itself takes effort, but you have to do that anyway and it is a lot harder alone. Marriage is, of course, improved by the good behavior of the partners, but you are supposed to behave yourself even if you are single. Treating a person kindly, considerately, and even adoringly is not "work". It is love and it's a wonderful privilege.
When BFD and I got married, you can bet we weren't thinking that we had a big job ahead of us to make our marriage "work". We were in love and although we had a lot to learn in terms of sharing a life, we just put our marriage first and forged ahead, leaning on each other when life got heavy and expecting to be defended and protected whenever problems intruded. If you take this attitude, any problems you will have all come from the outside and your marriage will be solid. You're a team! You're sharing the hard stuff and consequently it's not so hard. The secret is to keep putting each other first even as the years go by, children come, and the world and folks are telling you that your marriage should be the last thing on your list. If there is any work involved it should be what we call "a labor of love".
This advice is for basically average folks who want to have a good marriage. I know there are some evil folks out there who have ruined marriage for innocent people but still - a good marriage is a precious thing.