HERE IT COMES
Went to the doc (neurologist) in Denver on Monday. Now it's Thursday (late at night). In some ways I wish I had not gone. Oh, why did I? I got a packet of information about Parkinson's Disease and, foolishly, I read it. And had one of "those" questions answered. You know the ones...where did I come from? Why am I here? And, as Harrison Ford in "Blade Runner" says, "How long have I got?" Well, I figure I've got twelve years at the most. I probably have only about seven or eight (or even less) due to other factors. They calculate about twenty to twenty-five years from onset of PD and I'm guessing I was about fifty when I first really noticed the symptoms. Although looking back I probably had some earlier signs. And I'm sixty-three (almost) now, so...Diabetes on top of it all, which I've had since age forty-five and if my tests are good today (which they are, except for A1C,) there's no guarantee that things could not go bad fast (we hear of such things all the time.) And then there's the unexpected. What if I have a time-bomb like cancer or a stroke or Alzheimer's sneaking up on me?
My worry (on top of all my other worries) is: I don't care what anyone says, it's hard to know what your priorities are when you know your time and capacity are limited. What to do and what to do first. Brains don't automatically just switch into high gear when this sort of news hits you...I've changed, of course, but not enough.
Then there's that old burden, the fear. I can't seem to picture an existence without BFD. I know that for sure. No matter who goes first, I can't stand to think about it, let alone actually face it. So now what? Denial and dementia? Or acute anxiety from thinking about it all the time? I don't see much of a choice. But please...no more future shocks. Tell me something good.
I guess I'll just get up and go on...
PS: A long time ago a friend of mine told me, "There's no point in worrying because so far, everything in my life has turned out just fine." I wonder how she feels about it now.