LAZY
Twice in my life I have had the same very strange conversation: the person I was talking to had kinder words to say about a murderer in prison than about a woman we knew who was a lousy housekeeper: She used words like "lazy" and "dirty" dripping with revulsion and self-righteousness, accompanied by that scornful "look" describing our friend the slattern, while she pitied the murderer: "there could have been extenuating circumstances...you never know."
Well.
Maybe I just wasn't meant to make this comparison. I'm sure if this strange situation was pointed out to the originator, she would do a bit of back-pedaling. But maybe not. Some people really do look down on you if you can't keep house. I have known quite a few messy housekeepers over the years...in fact I am one. It's a thing you don't really get over; the most you can say is that you're recovering! And it took me years to be comfortable even saying that much. For years I tried not to speak of it at all; in fact, I just kept the whole thing a secret for as long as I could by not ever letting anyone into my house. This worked for a some time but eventually I was found out. Luckily, we moved a lot so I could start keeping the secret over again in a new place until my shortcomings were discovered yet again. And then we would move- again- and I didn't have to endure my reputation very long.
Except, of course, there was my Mother.
She was not a shining example of domestic proficiency, but she was definitely better than me. Still, she did play a role in my paranoia, like when she felt free to rant on me in the most hurtful terms whenever the subject of housekeeping came up. And she drove me crazy in other ways- but that's another story. Lots of other stories!
I have also known some women who were such meticulous cleaners that you didn't feel comfortable sitting down in their homes. Unfortunately for me, two of them were my Mother-in-law and my Sister-in-law! Their disapproval was painful- I think they expected my husband to divorce me over it, at the very least. But he knew how hard I was trying (or he did after the initial shock!) and he knew how I suffered over it. The fact is, I have no talent for it; and unlike many people with faults and failings, I have one that isn't an "acceptable" fault, like biting your fingernails, or being late to church every week, or even losing your temper on occasion.
The world in which I live isn't so tolerant of messy women. Especially if a home is your responsibility.
And let's get one thing straight- it isn't merely a matter of laziness. It's a just a psychological problem like so many others that deserves a lot more attention and respect than it normally gets. I've been called lazy a few times in my life- once by a person who should''ve known better. I was observed lying down on a chaise lounge in the back yard when my critic apparently thought I should have been doing the dishes or something. I was newly pregnant at the time and experiencing morning-sickness. I hear that some people don't get sick when they're pregnant. Good for them. That doesn't mean that I was faking.
I am aware that part of this hostile attitude is that age-old need to feel superior to someone in order to make yourself feel better. No doubt neatniks have insecurities they feel badly about, too. But this haranguing on the messies of the world- that's not really very healthy for anybody. Sometimes I try to shortstop conversations that descend into critical diatribes against my more disorganized sisters. I feel great compassion for them and try to defend them whenever I can. Since I am "recovering" as I said, many of my friends today are not aware of my past domestic disasters. And because I now have Parkinson's Disease, any shortfalls they discover are not attributed to my character. But I still feel that tiny ache inside. I know I'm not the real Homemaker I would've liked to have been
I look around my house today and see a reflection of my own individuality and personality. I am not a minimalist.There are lots of things everywhere and lots of things are usually out of place. But my home is more colorful than most others I have visited, and the things there are interesting, at least to me. I have lots of books, creative projects, objects that remind me of a life that I have cherished, and tons of family photos. I also have little quotes in frames that bring to mind lessons in living that I have taken to heart, and you will also ( from time to time) find dog fur and fabric scraps on the carpets. I still sometimes wish that I felt myself to be that crackerjack housekeeper that everyone admires, but I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with things the way they are:. getting better, but one day at a time!
Once, years ago, we had an unexpected visitor from our Church who came in, ignored the clutter of kids' toys all over the front room, the piles of laundry down the hall, and the grime that had a way of building up in the corners. Instead, he said to us as we invited him to clear off a chair and take a seat, "I feel so comfortable and happy in your home. There's such a good spirit here."
I will love him forever.